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Dave Erving - Blog

Halloween 2014 True Terror

17-03-2015
Most people go out and party on Halloween. Some people dress up their kids and go house to house enjoying the holiday and the candy that comes with it. Unfortunately, for me, it’s a day I will never forget.
5am, Halloween morning. I am waking up after a 10 day stay in the hospital. I’ve been really sick for the last few weeks. So sick, I even quit smoking. I had tried everything to quit, but after 30 years of smoking, it took almost dying to finally take hold, but I digress.
Like I was saying, 5am and the nurse’s are waking me up, and preparing me for the most important event IN MY LIFE. It turns out my Aorta valve had a bad infection and was spreading the infection through my body. They told me it also effected my brain and I actually had a stroke too(thank God, I don’t really notice the effects, my mind is everything to me).
For some reason I’m not as nervous as I should be. I guess in the back of my mind, I’m hoping they are going to tell me, I don’t actually need OPEN HEART SURGERY. Unfortunately, that message never comes. So now, I’ve been prepped and carted down to the where my operation is going to take place. I’m laying in a little 6′x8′ “room” with every machine imaginable hooked up to me. The doctor comes in and briefly explains how the day will go and BOOM, I’m waking up in the ICU HEART AND UNIT.
As I’m waking up, I notice this big tube, protruding from my chest. It goes down to a portable case. This is my “drain” tube. My mom proceeds to tell me, I was just in surgery for 10 hours. To me, it was a blink of an eye. The doctors come in to check on me and explain what is going on. Since all of my veins have collapsed, they have stuck a catheter(which feels like it is 10′ long when they pull it out) into my jugular vein. The doctors tell me everything was a success and that my heart is actually very strong.
The next few days are blurry. I’ve gotta laugh though cause the “Doctor” that does my follow ups, can’t be older than 25. I never did ask, but you could tell, he was YOUNG. So, I’m healing well, I can’t really walk too much. I either go to the chair next to the bed or the bathroom. Even then, I am winded.
After a few days, it’s time. The doctor ask me to count to 3 and take a deep breathe. He quickly pulls the tube from my chest and then pulls the catheter from my neck. It creeps me out now just thinking about it. Though it didn’t hurt, it did feel extremely awkward.
Over the next few days, I was so weak. It took everything I had, and the help of 2 nurse’s, just to walk half way down the hall and back. Within a week, I was walking by myself(and my mom was there to help, she never left my side and I love her for that). By the second week, I was making laps(with all the other heart patients) around the Heart Unit. It seemed to be everyone that had heart surgery’s goal, do laps!!!
So one night, I just couldn’t get comfortable, no matter what I did. The nurse’s were very helpful(and beautiful), they tried everything, but I just felt like I was crawling out of my skin. The only thing I could relate it to, was being dope sick. I couldn’t sit still to save my life. Finally, the nurse called my doctor and they brought me a Xanax. Turns out, I was having a panic attack. I’ve never felt anything like it. Even being dopesick, you know your dopesick, so it’s understandable, it sucks, but you know why you are suffering. With the panic attack, I was freaking out even more cause I had no idea what was wrong.
After 2 weeks in the Heart Unit, my Social worker, started looking for places for me to go for rehab. I had a 40cm pickline, from the side of my arm to above my heart. A specialist came in the first week I was hospitalized and put it in. Like I said before, 20 years of Heroin Addiction has collapsed all my veins, so I needed a pickline for antibiotics and all my other drugs.
My social worker finally found a place for me to go. That is a story in itself. The stay at Fairfax Inova really opened my eyes. I guess the closer to death, the more you appreciate it. I also realized that Nurse’s have to deal with all the shit(quit literally), they are just as much heroes as the doctors that doe the surgery.
It is now March 17, 2015. It has been 3 months since I was discharged. Luckily, I still don’t smoke, which is a daily fight. This is only the beginning of my most epic battle. There will be more to come.

Writing Poetry (Tips and Tricks)

29-06-2012
O.k, let me just start out by saying that these are just a couple of ideas that I use when trying to write poetry. I don’t use any of these ideas with every poem all of the time, in fact most are just techniques I started to do when I got all caught up on being “Mr. Perfect!!!”
I find a lot of the time I am trying to push my writing(like now). I have a small idea and I try to make it into a masterpiece!!! My favorite time to write, is when I have nothing going on in my head(which lately has been happening a lot more) and all of the sudden this great idea appears out of no where. This rarely happens, but when it does….it is MAGICAL!!!! The poem or Blog almost writes itself. My biggest problem with this, is that I don’t know where to end it. I’ll have this great poem or story and then I try to fatten it up with a bunch of jibber-jabber.
I would say that probably 75-85% of my poetry is one great verse. Then I start to fluff it up by using one of the techniques I am about to show you. Hell, sometimes all I have is the tittle, which means that the whole piece is fluff!! It’s all about how you want the piece to be. I mean is it a poem that tells a story, does it rhyme, and how does it rhyme? Is every line gonna rhyme with the next or is it every other line? If you want, you can even have the words rhyme within the same line. Or maybe just the last line in every or every other verse. The choices are unlimited!!! I think the thing that took me the longest to figure out was, this is “MY” poem, and I can write it how ever I want!!!! Unless of coarse it is an assignment or for some contest, but that is a whole different scenario anyways, if that is what you are into, then that is awesome!!!! Just make sure that the end result is for you and not someone else.
Some people are born with the talent to write and then others have to work their whole lives for it and still never grasp how to write. I was one of the lucky ones, I guess. Writing to me was second nature, well, that is until I tried to force it. Then I dried up and stopped writing all together, but that too has passed(I hope). Well, look… all this rambling an nothing about how to write, maybe it was all a lie and I have no technique!!!! AHAHAHAHA, it’s all just a way to get people to read my blogs!!!! AHAHAHAHA. O.K., seriously now, I will get down to business.
My first technique has to do with rhyming. When I get stuck on a word and I want to find something to rhyme it with, I just start with the first letter of the alphabet and work down. Lets take the word “PAIN” (my favorite word, I even have it tattooed on my right forearm{I’m not even joking, “SORROW” is on the other arm, but this isn’t a blog about tattoos..so I digress}) for instance. I take the word “PAIN” and start at the top. “A” doesn’t work, so I move on to “B” bane, doesn’t work either, but “Brain” might, or even “Blame.” What’s the reason I have all this pain…In my brain? Obviously, you are the only one to “Blame!!”
Then you can keep going, if you are satisfied with “B” then move on to “C.” Your the only one to blame, you tied me up, I can’t break your “Chains.” Then you can move on to “D” I can’t break these chains, my love was drained.
So then you generally want to skip A,E,I,O,U, but not always, like I said, this is your poem, if it works then use it!!! So next comes “F.” Maybe you want to do it every other line(this is all off of the top of my head, so bare with me!!) My love for you was drained, I no longer have a soul, Consumed by your flames, Into the darkness, Paradise will never be the same.
O.K., see, I skipped around. I mainly only use this technique when I get stuck. Most of the time, I try to rely on the feeling of the poem or story to carry me through. That of coarse was just a simple example, but I think I made my point. It is all about context and content. Don’t rely on some trick to make you think you are some great writer all of the sudden. Everyone(including me) wants the easy solution to everything. Just because it works, doesn’t mean it will always work!!! Every poem must start with a feeling or good idea.
I must be honest though, and tell you, I really have a hard time reading poetry, because to me it is just a bunch of words put together. I know it sounds bad, but it is true. Don’t get me wrong, words mean everything to me and that is what really captured my heart about music. I just have a hard time reading other people’s writings. I just think that in order to really understand the feelings and soul of the writer, they must be the one to read it!!!! That is why, when you find that one great song that just speaks right to you, nothing is better. It lets you know that there are other people out there that are going through your pain and feeling the same way that you do. Sometimes, they might even help you to pull through it or understand why things are the way they are.
My next biggest tip happens when you get stuck on a word and you’ve gone through the whole alphabet and have come up with nothing!! My favorite thing about words is that there are so many words that mean the same thing. Take the sentence, “I’m riding in my car.” That can be switched so many ways “Traveling in my car”, “Driving in my car” just plain “we were in my car” and so on. Most of the time, if I can’t find something to rhyme, I’ll just go back and change the last word, so Instead of “Driving in my car” I’ll say, “In my car we were riding” so now, I can go through the alphabet and try to find something to rhyme with “Riding” or maybe I’ll leave “Car” out completely, “We were cruising along just the other day”, so see, the possibilities are endless!!
My last tip, is probably the best tip of all and the simplest!!! If you are really stuck on something and just not feeling it at all, then stop!!! Don’t give up and DON’T… I REPEAT DON’T throw it away!!!! I know it’s easy to get discouraged and think it completely sucks, which by the way, I have done so many times, it is sickening!!!! But don’t do it!!! Just stop, take a break, maybe take a week, a month or however long it takes!!! I’ve gone back years after starting something and found I had actually written some pretty awesome, a little tweaking and it turned out to be some of my best stuff!!! It might have had a completely different meaning by then, but it still turned out great!!! Whatever you do, don’t throw it away, well unless it really sucks, then it’s O.K. to ditch it!!!! AHAHAHAHA just kidding. The thing is, you started this writing because of an idea or a feeling. So if you give it some time, the idea or feeling might get stronger and the words might just start to flow the next time you sit down and write.
Good luck, I think you can take it from here, just remember that writing is just a way to express your feelings. A way to make a connection with other people that might be going through the same thing you are. Maybe it’s something you’ve already conquered and there is someone out there right now, trying to make it through the same thing. Whatever you do, don’t write because you feel it is what someone else wants!!! I mean, of coarse there will be assignments and stuff, but do them because you want to, not because you have to. Life is all about perspective!!! When I was growing up, I remember everyone always dreaded the writing assignments!!! Not me, I thrived on them!!! Spelling and vocabulary are a different situation all together, my spelling and grammar are horrible, thank GOD FOR SPELLCHECK!!!!! Take it easy, writing can be fun!!! Not to mention a great way to get out bottled up emotions. If it wasn’t for writing, I would probably be in a mental hospital right now!!!!(not that I’m too far off as we speak)

Quitting to Get High

19-05-2012
The one thing that has always been there for me is Heroin. I started dabbling with it when I was 17, then pretty much quit for about 5yrs., after I move to the beach. Then I moved back to the D.C. area I got re-acquainted with it really quick, and have been in love ever since.
I’ve lost many friends, and had my heart broken over and over, but heroin(except when I’m broke or sick) has been there to help pull me through it all. That is what always makes it so hard to quit. It’s like breaking up with someone that you know you can always go back to.
I can’t even count the number of people that have tried to get me to quit, mostly through guilt. Knowing in my heart the whole time I had no intentions of quitting. Of coarse, I would try to get clean. I’ve been through so many different treatment, and no of them worked. I mean how could it? Sobriety is something you have to want, not something you are forced to do!!
I mean there were a couple of times that I put myself in treatment. Don’t get me wrong though, it wasn’t to get clean. For the most part it was because my habit was getting too expensive and I had to cut back, so I would go into treatment. I would get clean and start all over again. Sound crazy? Well, not to me!! I have never been able to picture a life without heroin. I have never wanted to be completely clean. It just makes my life totally worthless!!
In 2007, my life took a horrible turn. I lost my job, because my boss wanted to build a house for his sister. The whole job was a nightmare and we ended up losing our steady jobs. Of coarse after that happened, who is going to hire a person with an addiction. Even though getting high only effected my working abilities once, finding a job is almost impossible. I could of tried to keep it secret, but having to wear long sleeve shirts in the summer is a dead give away. Not to mention, I am horrible when it comes to finding work. Most of the jobs I have had have been given to me. Which explains why I have an Associates Degree in computer technology, but I am a really good Carpenter. Finding work for me is really hard, but I will say that once I start a job, I usually am one of the top workers, no matter what the job is. I have no problem picking up a broom and doing work most people would consider remedial. My philosophy is the work has to be done and someone has to do it, so instead of complaining, just get it done!!! I try to never say no when it comes to people asking me to work. No matter how difficult it is. I have always loved to learn, most people are stuck in their ways and think they know what is right. My attitude is, I can always learn something new, even if it is someone not as experienced, there is always something they might do differently. I would say it is one of my strongest qualities. That and loyalty
So after that happened I couldn’t afford to support my habit anymore. I had no choice but to start back on methadone, I haven’t worked since. There are the occasional days that I am able to get high. On these days, I can accomplish everything.
I have spent the last 4 months weening myself off of the methadone, I am now down to 5mg!!! I am coming off 1mg every week, and believe me, I feel every MG. To me it is worth it. I still find myself messing around though, even though it is not at all on a schedule or planned, I manage to indulge in heroin about once or twice a month, if that. I have just realized that America will never start a Heroin Assisted Treatment Program and the only way I can stay off of methadone, is to stay away from everything. I mean, the whole process of getting high, from waiting around, to getting bad stuff, to dealing with the police is just not worth the happiness I experience when I get high. I just have to except that I am never going to be able to achieve that happiness again. The only alternative, is to move to a country which has these programs. I have even had counselors tell me that I need to do this.
It took me a long time to realize that the majority of people have no understanding of drugs. Trying to explain that my life would be 100% better if I could be medical administered heroin, just sounds crazy to most people. The honest and most sobering realization that I have had, was the fact that people would rather see me miserable and completely useless, rather than happy and on heroin. I realize the whole concept is one that sounds to most people like an excuse, but in my case it is the truth.
The truth of the matter is(and I am not bragging), that I never was a bad person on heroin. I know the stereo-type about junkies is that they can’t be trusted and they have lost all their morals. This simply is the opposite with me, heroin actually let me be a better person. I worked hard for my habit!! I opened up more and even found a closer relationship with God. It made me realize that I didn’t need other drugs(especially Alcohol, which by the way is ten times worse and I despise) because I was content with life and finally normal for once in my life.
Since I have been weening off of methadone and not really getting high at all, I have noticed a big difference. I no longer go to church every Sunday, I no longer care as much about myself. I guess it is just something I have to get use to and except. Because, believe me, I want (for once in a very long time) to be free. If someone asks me to go somewhere, I want the option to go. I haven’t left the D.C. area in over a decade!! So I guess the bottom line is… this time, I am not only quitting so I can get high again, this time I am just plain quitting!!!

Junky Logic

19-05-2012
It took me a long time to realize that Junkies are programmed to think completely different than other people. Most people worry about how they are going to pay bills, get to work, and mainly just make it day to day without losing their minds. A Junkies day consists of finding new ways to get money, so they can get high as fast as possible.
The funniest(and saddest) part is, a Junky will tell themselves they aren’t getting high that day and they actually believe it, at least for a while. They have every intention of staying clean, but will look for any excuse to throw that away. Either that or they will convince themselves that they will start getting clean tomorrow.
The tomorrow excuse will be the start of many more excuses. Starting with, “Oh, I just want one more really good high before I quit!” That is the biggest one I can think of. Then it all cascades down from there. If the Junky does actually get really high on what is suppose to be the “LAST TIME”, they start thinking about how great that high was. This usually leads to thinking about going again…Mainly because they want to make sure they don’t miss out on getting really high again. This brings me to the next excuse, “Well, I just messed up, so what is another day. I’ll just make sure to stop tomorrow!” Now, the Junky knows deep down that they are lying to themselves. Unfortunately, when it comes to lying, the person a junky lies to the most is themselves.
Time is a funny thing when it comes to getting high. Say I got high early Saturday and then Sunday I only did a little bit. Well, to a Junky, Sunday doesn’t count. On Monday, the Junky will say, “Hey, I’m doing good, I haven’t been high in two days!” Even if it is Monday morning, it is two days. I mean most of Saturday, all day Sunday(because like I said it doesn’t count) and Monday. You always include the day you got high and the day it is, as long as the day you got high was earlier in the day.
Here is another big one when it comes to Junky Logic. If you take someone downtown and cop for them, then they have to get you something. At least enough to get you high. Now, if you are already going down, they probably will get a pass. Though, if your already going down, you really don’t involve other people, unless they have something to offer or just happen to be on the way. I mean, lets face it, adding someone else to the picture usually means picking them up and then dropping them back off. This can cut into your getting high time, and every junky knows the faster you get there and back, the quicker your getting high. I mean a lot of people will just pull over on the side of the street downtown and get high right there. Though after a couple close calls, most people will wait until they get home or somewhere safe to get high.It’s either close calls or blown out veins and taking forever to hit. Either of these two things will make you wait until you are somewhere you can actually sit back and relax. Missing your shot is almost as bad as dropping it or having the needle pop off the of the rig(if any of you junkies have ever used a blue tip with removable needles, you most likely know what I am talking about)and your whole shot goes all over your arm(or wherever else you hit)and it is gone!!!
The thing is though, if you want someone to get something for you, the first thing you do is offer to drive them, or just try to call in a favor(maybe remind them how many times you have helped them and hope they are already planning on going). Anything to try to get them to get it for you without charging. I’ve seen this go on a countless number of times. Everyone wants people to pay for them, but no one wants to pay for someone else.
Keeping your drug dealer exclusive is the last of these big “Junky Traits”. No one wants anyone else to know their drug dealer. The more dealers you have and the less other people have, means more people coming to you to get their fix. On the flip side, when you are driving people around and they are copping for you, you try to get their dealers numbers as soon as possible. That way you don’t have to rely on them every time you want to get high.
The most important aspect with dealers is product quantity and quality. It is very rare that you find a dealer that is consistent. They are always either running out, or their product just goes up and down. That is why you want many dealers, so you can keep switching. Everyone within your “Junky Horde” calls everyone else to see who has the best stuff and whose stuff has fallen. The worst part about dealers is “Dealer Time”!!! For some reason, every dealer is on a slower schedule than everyone else. If they say that they will be there in 20 minutes, they really mean they will be there in at least 40 minutes!!! Whatever they say, you have to double it. I would say that 3/4 of a Junkies life is spent waiting on dealers. The other 1/4 is spent either getting high or figuring out how to get high.
So, that concludes Junky 101. I hope that you have enjoyed this look into what it means to be a junky!!! I know most people have no clue what it means to have this life and this torment everyday for the rest of your life. I really hope no ever thinks of trying Heroin. The movies glamorize it and make it look like every other drug, but it is far from anything else. Heroin isn’t a drug, it is a WAY OF LIFE!!!! It stays with you, no matter how much time you put between your last high. The success rate for Heroin addicts is the lowest of them all. If any of you ever watch that show INTERVENTION, pay attention to the Heroin Addicts. It is very rare that they actually make it more than 6 months clean. Most of them don’t even make it through the treatment!!!

What Is Success?

15-05-2012
I must say this topic drives me crazy. In my messed up view, I only perceive success as money. The more money you have, the more successful you are. I don’t know if this has just been burned into my brain or if it really holds true.
I mean look at all the rich people today that didn’t do a thing to deserve it. Does their money make them better people than me? Do they even care if they fail or succeed?
I will admit that money and success usually do go hand in hand. A hard working person usually gets paid one way or another. Now there are a lot of people that go out and volunteer just to help others out. These people are also considered rich, but not monetarily rich, these people are rich at heart. They usually give everything of themselves and ask for nothing in return. Unfortunately, being rich at heart doesn’t pay the bills. Then there is a third kind of person, like my parents. They worked a really good paying 9 to 5 job, 40hrs a week for 25 + yrs, and also went out and volunteered their time all over the place. They had these great lives…That is until I came along and drained them of all their time and money.
Then there are the people like me. I know a lot of people consider me a bum, and to be honest, most of the time I would agree. The truth of the matter is, I might be a bum, but I’m no where near lazy. My biggest problem is being social. If I am given (yes, given, I have no skills at getting jobs or women, which is why I have been single for longer than I can even remember), If I am given a job, I usually am the top worker quick. I have a hard time with failure and rejection, which stops me from going out and trying to get jobs, but once I have the job, people are usually impressed. I am very good at adapting to my environment and a very quick learner. Wow, this is starting to sound like a resume’. It is true though, and even though I am not working a “real” job, I am working non-stop on all kinds of creative stuff everyday, usually all day(and night).
The worst part for me is, I see a lot of successful people, that don’t have half the talent I do, but they do have the drive and dedication to get out there and keep pushing forward. I know I need to stop complaining that I never get any breaks, cause honestly, I never get out there and try to get any breaks.
A big part of me now is striving to get over my hang ups about being rich and famous. I use to always joke about people getting rich off of my stuff when I die, so maybe now I have to start taking that more seriously. I’m not talking suicidal or anything. I think I just need to start looking at success as what my work is and can be instead of what I want it to be. Instead of striving for money, I think it is time to strive for longevity. I want to die with people saying, he might have stumbled and had his problems, but some of his work is down right phenomenal!!!

Just Relax

15-05-2012
Many times I have tried to explain insomnia to people that don’t suffer from it. The answer I seem to get the most is “Just Relax.” This statement drives me crazy!!! Just relax?!?!? Damn, why didn’t I ever think of that?!?! Holy shit, all these years of going days on end without sleep and your telling me all I had to do was just relax. Oh, my god you are my savior.
The next person that tries to tell me to just relax, I would love to spike their drink with Crystal Meth and be like “Oh, JUST RELAX!!!” What’s wrong? Your mind won’t stop racing and your eyes won’t shut?!?! Well, now you know how I feel, and that is without any drugs!!
I’ve swear, I have tried everything, sometimes sleeping pills and other drugs won’t even work. Not to mention, I have had enough problems with addiction, there is no way I plan on getting myself hooked on something else!!. Furthermore, the times that I have taken sleeping pills and had them work, the whole next day, I am in a complete haze. I swear that is worse than not sleeping at all.
I don’t really mind the first day of no sleep, I am completely use to that. It is the second and third day that start to get to me. Insomnia is definitely like a drug by itself. Sometimes, if I am in the mood, I actually try to enjoy it. Sounds funny, I know. Here I am complaining about insomnia and then turn around and tell you I enjoy it! What can I say? I am just trying to be honest with you. Doesn’t mean I will always be rational. In fact, I can assure you, the more you read, the more messed up I will probably sound. Then again, I can’t be the only one….CAN I?!?!?! AHAHAHA
I know some of you are thinking that my insomnia is induced by drugs, but it is the complete opposite. The truth is, one of the main reasons I fell in love with heroin so much was because heroin cured my insomnia and let me be “normal” for once in my life. Well, as close to normal as I can be!!!
When I was young I did do a lot of different drugs, I even drank back then(which, if you have read any of my other posts, you’ll probably know that I absolutely despise alcohol, but that is a whole different topic). I tried just about everything to escape the pain and misery, and I’m not only talking about insomnia. I have a lot of other problems, both physical and mental, insomnia is just one of them. After I discovered heroin, I pretty much quit everything else because I didn’t need any of it!!!! Heroin seemed to be the answer to everything, too bad it is illegal and very expensive, or I would probably still be living a “NORMAL” life today!!!
Methadone has also helped me to sleep. I sleep really good on methadone. The biggest problem though with methadone is, too much sleep!!! On methadone I can sleep 12 to 16 hrs a day, NO PROBLEM!! It makes you a zombie!!! If you think I am exaggerating, then go hang out for a day at a methadone clinic. It is crazy to see the effects of methadone.
Hanging out in the methadone clinic, you’ll see the young kids, they are a little off, but haven’t really been on methadone long enough to see the “Change”. Then there are the people that have been on it a little longer. They can still function, but you can start to notice the difference. Their speech is a little slower and so is the way they walk. Also, they might have a limp or something else wrong with their body.The biggest give away is the fact that they might only be 30 or 40, but look like they are 50 or 60!!! Then there are the people that have been on methadone for years….These people have given up all hope of a regular life. Their speech is completely off and they walk really slow. They literally walk and talk like a zombie!!!
The worst part is, I am on the same path. I have been on methadone for 5yrs now, with no end in sight!!! I have tried time after time to quit, but just can’t seem to make it.
So in my quest for a normal life, once again I have shown that it is always just out of reach for me. I can either sleep my life away and have nothing, or I can stay up for days and go completely mental.

It's a Child, Not a Choice

15-05-2012
Well, before I start this blog, let me just say that this is my opinion, I know this is a very touchy subject. This is how I feel about abortion and people are definitely going to disagree with me, which is only expected. Everyone is entitled to what they believe, if everyone agreed on everything, life would be very boring!!! O.K., with that being said, lets get into the controversy.
I saw this bumper sticker this morning, it read “It’s a Child, Not a Choice.” So I started to think to myself…and I came to this conclusion. Yes, it is a child, and that is why abortion SHOULD BE LEGAL!! I know, right now anyone who supports pro-life is about to jump up and condemn me, but like I said before….THIS IS HOW I FEEL. It is only my opinion.
First off, lets think about it, there are so many unwanted children out there, is it really fair to give birth to someone an have them grow up knowing they were unwanted? So you say, well what about adoption? I agree, there are a lot of people out there that want children, that can’t have them. So yes, adoption is a great way for people and unwanted children to help each other out. The main issue is, there are so many unwanted children that once they reach a certain age, they are completely overlooked for children that are younger. Which leaves a lot of kids bouncing from home to home with no stable background.
Then there are these families that already have children, but think they are doing the right thing by adopting more children. It is a great gesture and they swear up and down that they treat the adopted kids exactly the same as their own, but no matter how good their intentions are, it has got to be awkward for everyone. Of coarse, if the kid is very young and only knows the life they are introduced into, then yes, it could work, but not always. I just keep thinking about the older kids, kids that have been in an out of different foster homes their whole lives and really have no way to know what is really expected of them. Are they really suppose to just move in to someones house and fit right in?
Then there is the bad side of adoption. People that could care less about the kids. They know, if they take these kids in, they will get paid.They do the bare minimum and use most of the money for themselves. I mean, yes it is helpful, but do these kids really benefit when the person doesn’t really care about them? Then you have the worse of the worst, the pedophiles and sicko’s that prey on kids. I mean, it sucks, but there is always a down side to everything. They make the people who are really trying to do good look bad.
Now, lets look at it from the pregnant girls point of view. Let say abortion is Illegal. There is this girl that makes all the wrong decisions, she gets wasted everyday, and does every drug imaginable. One night she is all wasted and gets pregnant. Well, abortion is Illegal, do you think this is going to stop her from getting wasted? No way, in fact, she will probably get more messed up just from the guilt alone. Is this going to give that baby a better quality if life? Even if she does put it up for adoption, the baby will be born addicted to all kinds of drugs and will have so many different defects that the chances of being adopted are almost none.
Next scenario, a girl is walking home from work or school one night and is horribly raped. She finds out 3 months later that she is pregnant, but abortion is illegal. So now she has to suffer for 6 more months, being reminded everyday of this tragic event that destroyed her life. The kid is given up for adoption, but lives their whole life wondering why the person that gave birth to them, didn’t love them enough to keep them. So they go looking for their birth mother, just to find out that not only was their mother a victim, but their father was a rapist.
People make bad decisions, and abortion is a horrific choice to live with, but making it Illegal, doesn’t make the quality of life any better for anyone. For the most part it just makes life harder for the girl that is pregnant. There are stories of girls doing unheard of things to try to get rid of the baby. Going to doctors that aren’t qualified, and sometimes aren’t even doctors!! There have been girls that have died from this. So now not only is the baby dead,but so is the girl that got pregnant!!!
So, no matter what the choice, it is never an easy one. Taking away a women’s right to choose only endangers the women’s life. People think that having the baby is always the right choice, but forcing someone to give birth to a baby that is unwanted is only setting that kid up for a horrible life. I mean with the way the world is today, being brought up with everything in your favor is still a long and hard road. Every kid is a blessing, but being unwanted is a curse.

Lost Thoughts

15-05-2012
Well here I am, I feel like writing, but have nothing to write about!!! I was going to write about going back in time to tell yourself what to fix about your life and what you would do differently. The only problem is, I kinda feel like I have already written about this, but I went back an told myself not to do it….. Soooooo, it should be fine….(Bad Joke).
I am in a very weird mood tonight, so even though I will try to make this about changing the past(I think the fact that most of this subject is based on wish’s and people(in movies) going back to change their past, is the reason I thought I have already written this). I reserve the right to ramble on about anything. So here we go.
A lot of people are under the impression that if they were to go back an warn themselves about something big they regret doing, everything would change for the better and life would then be perfect from there on out. My biggest problem with this is two things.
First off, even though it does happen rarely, no one thing is going to change everything in your life. Let say though, for argument sake, that you are one of the lucky ones, you change that one regret and get everything you ever wanted. What happens now? Everything good that has happened stays and everything bad goes? Well, I hate to tell you this, but it doesn’t work that way. That is one thing people don’t think about. If you change the bad, the good goes too. Everything changes, are you willing to give up everything? Also, if you get everything you ever wanted, will you all the sudden be happy? Look at Kurt Cobain, he got everything he always wanted and ended up blowing his brains out!!!
Second, even if you did manage to change one big mistake, who is to say your life would get better? I mean one of the best ways to learn, is from mistakes. So let’s be logical for a minute, your one big regret is gone. Don’t you think your next mistake might be even bigger? Let’s say your biggest regret was messing up the love of your life. You go back and fix your “big mistake.” Now you get married, maybe have a kid and life seems great. Next thing you know (lets talk movie terms) the whole system is outta balance. So fate steps in and kills your wife and kid, because they were never suppose to exist. So now, not only have you lost your love again, but her family has lost a child and so have you(sounds like a movie, doesn’t it?). Think about it, bad things happen for a reason. The reasons are always clear, but good things do come from tragedy.
I always wonder what it takes to be truly happy. I am such a skeptical person, that when I see people that seem to always be happy, I think that they are faking it. I mean looking happy and being happy are two completely different things. The funny thing is, that there are people that are content with their lives. This doesn’t mean that they are always happy, or that these people don’t ever have problems. It just means that these people have a different outlook on life. They strive to make each day better than the one before, and to them, adversity is just another challenge to conquer with a positive attitude. Which is what I think is the key to everything.
Don’t get me wrong, I can be positive. I positively know I hate everything…See!!! I positively know that being miserable is just part of my everyday life. I guess a positive attitude is one thing I was born without. People have told me, it the choices I make and the outlook I have, but I have tried other ways.
I’ve tried “acting” happy, but that is all it is… ACTING!!! I’ve even convinced the people I was with that their great insights were working. It’s always funny to me, because they start thinking they achieved some great miracle, “See, I knew you could be happy, all you had to do was open up and try!!!” At the same time, I’m thinking “Give me a gun, so I can put a bullet in your skull!!!” Then I would really be HAPPY!!!

The Father I Never Knew

11-05-2012
Let me just start off by saying that my father was the most honest, hard working person I ever knew. He always supported me 100%, right up until Jan. 5, 2001, the day he died. It wasn't until after that day though, that I learned what a truly remarkable man he was. I had heard a story or two over the years, but never from him. He kept his past and present life very secret. In fact, we had no idea that he was in the CIA, until after he died and was awarded a plague by the Government.We knew that he worked for the Government, but he always told us that he worked at the Bureau of Standards, as part of the Government that was responsible for making the paper that money was printed on.
My father was a very quite man, he joked around a lot, but never really spoke much about his feelings, ideas or his life. It was just known that he was very intelligent and loved to work. I think the hardest time that I can remember was after his heart attack in 89'. He always wanted to be moving and working, but his quadruple bypass made it so, he had to pretty much stop everything. It was the first time I can remember seeing my dad show any emotions or negative thoughts. He just wanted to go out and work, even though he had been retired for years, he stayed active and had other jobs. Not to mention always working around the house, building and fixing everything. I do have to laugh though, it's not really funny, but my dad had a scar from his left foot, all the way up through his chest, where they took arteries and reconstructed his heart valves, and he would always go out in the yard in only a pair of shorts and a pair of shoes. He wasn't showing off, it was just the way he was. I came to learn that trauma was just part of my dad's life, starting at the age of 5, when his dad died(during the depression) and he had to go out and work to just make ends meet.
I pretty much knew my dad was in WWII, but he never discussed it. After his death, we got a call from the military saying they were preparing his plot at Arlington, but my dad had no interest in the Military. Don't get me wrong, he supported this country with every part of his life, but when it came down to it, he did his time and never looked back. Other friends of his had died and had Military funerals and it was just known that he had no interest in pursing a Military burial. So we thanked the gentlemen for the offer, but he was buried in the plot that my parents had bought in Fairfax.
A few months after his death we found his silver star, my mom knew about his bronze star, but it wasn't until we went to get them appraised that we found out he had a silver star too. The guy actually stated "Your husband wasn't just in the war..He was in HELL!!". I actually overheard one guy a long time ago trying to get my dad to open up about the war and when my dad told him what ship he was on, the guy replied "I thought that ship got destroyed" for which my dad replied, "I said I was on that ship, I didn't say I came back on it." To be honest, that is the only story I ever heard my dad talk about. I have since learn that he was almost captured in Guadalcanal after his ship was sunk and rescued by the Philippians. My father was in the Army, but went on 7-9 beach runs, it is a miracle he is still alive!! I've heard Navy guys say he was on more ships than they were.
The last few years of his life where the hardest, I don't know if time was catching up with him, or if it was just all the surgeries he had been through, but he used to love war movies and near the end he would just break down while watching them. I just remember my mom begging him not to watch, but he always did.
Another big part of my dad's life was music, in fact since I can remember, I have played just about every instrument, except horns. I just thought music was a part of growing up, I didn't understand that a lot of people don't know anything about it. To me, it was just like having a parent that speaks another language, naturally you learn that language as part of your upbringing. I learned that my dad was top of his class, one of 4 that is chosen to be privately trained.Even though he really only played bass, he was always the one to transcribe all the parts of the orchestra.
Back in the 60's, living in the D.C. area, my dad played a lot of Black Clubs, many times he would be the only white person in the club. He also worked in rescue at the time and during the riots after Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated, he stayed in D.C. (even though they were telling him he should leave so he doesn't get killed) and helped take care of the wounded, but I digress. I've heard a lot of funny stories about my dad playing gigs. One of my earliest memories is being in the club and having the band argue about what instrument I would play. So I showed them, I can play almost anything now.
One story that has always stuck out, is a story about a Marine that use to come into this one club and raise hell. In fact he had been banned for 6 months, because the last time he was in there, he had tore the place up and hurt a few people. Well, my dad was playing the night the Marine was finally allowed to return and after the show, the Marine came up and put a penny at my dads feet. My dad quietly picked up the penny, walked back over to the Marine, set down the penny and said "I only know one animal that throws a scent" and then walked away. Everyone else in the place freaked out, one lady ran to my mom and asked her if she was with the bassist an explained everything, thinking that my dad was going to be in trouble, but the Marine did nothing.
My dad got to the point where he said "If music isn't fun anymore or becomes a "Job", I'm gonna quit" and that's what he did. He would get calls for years, but he never really played again. It was probably one of the most heartbreaking things I can remember, because years later whenever someone would ask him to play he would try and then breakdown crying. I must say though, about a year before he died, I had a basement studio and me and him actually jammed. I was on drums and he was on bass. it is probably one of the happiest and saddest times I can remember. It took a while for him to get through breaking down, but after that we did play for a while.
My dad wasn't a big man at all, but he was a powerhouse. I've heard about a time when he was hanging out with a couple firemen that were almost twice his size. They were joking around with him, asking him if he needed help carrying something or maybe it was somewhere along the lines of "you couldn't be a fireman, because you have to be able to carry someone out of a fire." With that my dad went over to the biggest guy, threw him over his shoulder and carried him out the door. Of coarse this left everyone astonished!! They quickly changed their tune. That was exactly how I remember my dad too. He never let on anything was wrong, he didn't complain or yell, but if you tested him, you would quickly learn that you had made a big mistake.
It has now been 11yrs. since he has died. Every year I learn new things that make me respect him more than ever before. The life he lead was a good one, he was the most helpful and honest man I knew. With hardships the would make most men buckle and give up. It makes me want to be a better person and live my life for him. I miss you everyday R.I.P. James Joseph Erving June 29,1919- Jan. 5, 2001.

A fresh Start

11-05-2012
In Dec. of 2011, I was watching the new karate kid, I know, it sounds funny, but there is one part of the movie where Jackie Chan says "You've taught me that life can knock you down, but you can choose to get back up." For some reason that line stuck with me. I decided right then and there to get off of methadone.
I haven't left the D.C. area(well except to go to Baltimore for dope) since 1999, I went to the beach with my girlfriend at the time.Believe me, I brought a lot of dope and was still sick on the way home. The only other time I left was to go to Western Maryland for my Aunts funeral, once again, I brought plenty of dope, even though I was only gone for a day.
The day I was watching the new Karate Kid, it dawned on me, I want to be free!! I can't even count the times someone has asked me to go to the beach or something and I didn't even think about it. I had excepted my fate. Then one line in a movie changed everything. I went in an told my counselor, I wanted to get off of methadone. I knew from past experiences it would be a long process, but when I started back at the clinic I told her I want to get off of this quick, I want to be out of here in a couple of months...Here it is 4 1/2 years later and I'm still not off.
In Dec. I started coming down 2mg a week. It's been going pretty good.Now I'm down to 9mg, but I had to cut back to 1mg a week, and I'm fighting it the whole way. Now that I am down so low, I can feel each milligram, but I am going to push on.
In Jan., the best thing that could have happened to me, did!! I got a new computer. I haven't stopped since. I don't even watch TV anymore, if I am awake, I am on this computer.
It started out with my music, first I tried out Fl Studio, the demo version does everything but record(which I can export into a free program). Then I wanted to just practice playing my bass and guitar(Even though my arm is messed up and I can't hold a pick, I still have my fingers and I always dropped picks back when I could hold one so I got use to playing without one.)so I started looking into getting an interface for my computer. I did some wheeling and dealing and got one(I found a place that took small payments-Thank you sweetwater).I haven't stopped since.
Next came my artwork, I was looking at all my sketchbook, and thought I need to get these uploaded. I went online and boom, wallmart had one for $25. I was so excited. So I started looking into photoshop, the best part about most programs is they'll give you a free trial(I've gone through 4 different music programs) and a lot of them have have similar freeware, that is so awesome. Because, I haven't worked in 4 1/2 yrs.
Then one day, I was thinking, maybe I'll just scan my poetry books, I have about 6 of them. Then it came to me, there has to be a site somewhere for poetry. Sure enough, all poetry.com was right there. A while back,in 2010, I started copying my poems onto a disk so I could have them. All I had to do was cut and paste. I uploaded 33 poems in one day.
While I was doing that it dawned on me,I have 9 chapters of a book I was writing back in 2010(but it didn't go very far) about addiction. I knew I was dying and thought if i write a book about why addiction is what it is and the things that can be done, maybe after I am gone, someone else will be helped and can avoid this pain.
So here it is March, I started making new music, new writings(including this), and new artwork, I absolutely love photoshop. Oh yeah, I almost forgot about learning how to do videos on my computer screen with a hypercam. That made my new music not only audible, but visible too. Add in a couple photoshopped pictures and I'm going somewhere.
This whole digital thing is absolutely awesome to me, I can't get enough, I want to learn everything. I even started dabbling in moving logos and 3D animation, but that is a whole new project that will take a lot of time to learn. I even made my own website. It took about three days to get right(12hrs straight each day), I must of changed it a hundred times already.
I just can't believe it's only been 2 1/2 months and I've accomplished more in that little time frame than I have in 15yrs.!! The sky is the limit and I plan on climbing to the top!!
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